As a runner who has completed his first marathon last November, I felt a connection with the runners of the Boston Marathon. In training with the local Winter marathon training team, I ran with Richmond runners preparing for Boston. One of them crossed the finish line just ahead of the blasts. When the tragedy of the Boston Marathon came to light, I like so many others was shocked and my heart went out to those killed and injured, and their families.

It wasn’t until later that I heard that one of the fatalities was an eight year old boy. My heart sank further. Not that any death is more tragic than another, but to see that a child was killed by this senseless act just seemed even more unfair. I know what it is like to have spectators cheer you on during the final stages of an endurance event. To realize that this young boy was killed while he cheered on the marathoners is just wrong.

It made me think back a duathlon in which I competed back in the Summer of 2011. The event was held in late July so it was hot, over 80 degrees in the morning. Even though I knew how the heat would hit me from competing in the same event the year before, I found myself in sad shape starting the second run after the 26 mile ride (I pushed it hard on the bike). I was cramping and my legs were failing me.

But my family was not. They cheered me on. They offered to help. They encouraged and even pushed a little. They got me moving and I started the last 6 miles based on their encouragement.

As I came up to the final quarter mile I reached down to scratch my leg and in doing so invoked another round of crippling cramps. I had to stop and try to stretch out on a curb. I realized I was going to have to walk the rest of the way and although discouraged that I was likely going to miss my goal time by a few minutes, I had little choice, my legs were physically spent.

I spotted my family as the finish line came into sight. They were cheering me on and shouting to me to finish it out running. I motioned to them that I was unable. They didn’t accept that. With about a hundred yards to go, my youngest ran toward me and then told me he was going to run it in with me. He told me to come along. He started running, clapping and cheering toward me. I had no choice, I started to run.

That moment will be forever etched in my mind. He was the ultimate spectator. He was the greatest fan. He was my encouragement. He got me going and got me to come across the finish in stride.

Thinking about that 8 yr old boy in Boston, about how he could be someone’s encouragement and biggest fan, it is hearbreaking. I don’t know much about him but I am sure he has touched many lives. It is unfortunate and unfair that he lost the time to touch many more, to be that inspiration. He was a spectator, a fan, who paid the ultimate price for supporting another. It is truly tragic.

This past weekend my wife went away for a “Girl’s Weekend” – a trip with several friends to a resort to celebrate one of their birthdays. They had a great time bonding, playing tennis, enjoying food and drink. They did it up.

Her being gone left the boys and I home alone for a “Guy’s Weekend”. We too had a great time bonding, playing video games, enjoying food and drink. We didn’t have any birthday cake but we had a lot of fun too.

Our weekend was full of events that included a lot of together time but also some personal time, as any good weekend should. Once we helped my wife get her stuff together and hit the road, the “Guy Time” began. First I logged a few miles around the neighborhood (running- mainly to work off what came next) then the boys and I picked up breakfast at Dunkin Donuts. After consuming our morning calories, we headed over to my Grandfather’s place and picked him up to go bowling. At 86, he has been refining his skills through Wii bowling but utterly amazed us with a strike his first roll. In fact, he rolled 3 strikes in the first 6 frames!!

After 2 games of bowling everyone deserved a treat. We hit Sweet Frog for our weekly allowance of frozen yogurt (the oldest of us had more than his share at over 16 oz – he really likes the stuff) and after my Mother joined us I realized we had 4 generations there eating together. Kind of cool. We returned home after our FroYo, I rode 20 miles and then we had movie and pizza night. Getting to sleep wasn’t hard.

Sunday started off with Church then breakfast followed by a trip to Target to get supplies for our next project. Over the past few months the pool table had become buried under Legos (as it routinely is used as the Lego project area) and under the table various containers contained Lego projects gone by. With a few clear containers we consolidated loose Legos, put projects completed or partially completed in their own containers and moved almost the entire mass of bricks into storage in a closet upstairs. We felt quite accomplished with our focus on fun yet getting things done.

After grabbing some lunch (along with smoothies), we returned home just ahead of the sleet and snow to settle in and play a few games. We migrated from the Wii U games to Minecraft and back. It was intense- in a good way. And it was during our second round of Wii U games that the perfection was ruined.

We were playing one of the Marioland games where one player flies around a scifi looking platform and the two other players run around on the ground trying to shoot him down. The flier of course shoots back. I was just getting used to being one of the players shooting at the flier when my turn at the flying thing came around. I struggled through the training period and the boys urged me to start to play, snickering along the way with their easy prey. I flew for a while, further realized how incompetent I was at steering the flying contraption and was almost immediately peppered with fire from the ground troops. I set down the controller in disgust. I quit.

Later I realized how bad of an example I had been for the boys. I had struggled with something and chose the easy route to quit. I felt horrible. I needed to rectify this somehow. I decided to apologize to the boys and draw attention to my failures.

The following night I sat down with the boys and told them I was sorry. My youngest looked at me and then turned to his brother and stated “I think this is going to be a life lesson”. I confirmed that was the case and shared with them why I was apologizing, for quitting the game and providing a bad example to them, and urged them to strive to not follow in my footsteps in this particular way. They were forgiving and seemed to understand.

I have stated before that every day is an opportunity for a life lesson. Every moment with our kids can be a lesson to teach and train. We as parents must always be on our toes, always aware that we are being watched, always on. It is tiring and sometimes we slip, but when we do, we must then consider our mishaps as a teaching opportunity and let them know that when we stumble, we don’t have to fall or even when we fall, we don’t have to stay down. I hope that is the message the boys learned from me and my mistakes and I look forward to the next opportunity to teach them further.

Recently I have reacquainted myself with our video camera. It started with a call out to all the soccer parents on my son’s new travel team. The manager asked if anyone would be willing to record their pre-season tournament. With a chance to prove my self-appointed Hollywood skills, I volunteered.

Step one was to clear off some space on the video camera hard drive. It had been a while since we needed to make space but knowing we had three hour long soccer games, I wanted to make sure I didn’t let the team down. I went to the oldest video on the camera, and began the process of copying it to my Macbook and an external hard drive.

The oldest footage was our first trip to Disney, back in 2008. As the videos copied over I watched some of the footage and became nostalgic. The boys were quite a bit younger (amazingly younger) and their excitement and reaction to everything seemed almost out of character until my mind caught up with the time and space. And then it was magical.

The boys took a little time to look at themselves when they were half their age and they enjoyed it too. It was good for all of us to see where we were, what we did and compare that to what we have become. They were entertaining back then but also a handful.

We all need to do that from time to time- take a minute to reminisce on the good ole times (not that the current is bad but it is fun to look back and to see what you have achieved since that time). Old movies are a great source of family entertainment. Don’t forget to share them with the kids now that they are older. It will beat any DVD you buy at the store and allow the legacy of their childhood to live on within you all.

Friday I was in a great mood.  I could hardly wipe the smile off my face.  Hardly anything could bring me down.  The reason: my youngest made the team.  He had a tryout with a new Travel soccer  team and he made it.  I was happy, he was happy, our whole family up through grandparents was happy.  And we anticipate this happiness will continue.  It is amazing how much we can be happy for his achievement.  It may seem overstated but with a little  background, you may understand why.

A month or so ago my youngest informed us that he had a goal.  He wanted to play for the middle school soccer team – a “looking ahead” goal since he won’t start middle school until next year.  We promised him we would do whatever we could to help him with that goal, and then began thinking of ways to fulfill that promise.

His situation presented some difficulties.  He had been a part of a team that was “rebuilding” last season.  They were a team where about half of the kids had played together last year and the others were new.  They started the year in a division where they were outgunned and the first few games were painful.  They abandoned that division and filled the rest of the Fall season with games against teams in the area that were trying to make the transition from Recreation league to Travel league play.  The games were much more competitive (well, even) but the number of teams available at this level were few.  We were able to limp through the Fall season with the kids still in good spirits.

After a tough indoor season over the Winter, and several players on their already slim roster not returning for the Spring, it was decided that the team would fold into the next age group and become one of those transition teams, basically becoming a Rec team that could rebuild (there’s that word again) and become Travel again at some point in the future.  This, added to the fact that the club itself is still maturing and as you can imagine with any new organization, even though the passions was there, the organizational aspects were not always, led us to think about options.

There were a couple of things working against us.  We were mid-season and most clubs don’t like to make mid-season changes.  Also many of the good teams have a full roster and have been playing together for years- we were coming late to the table.  But with a couple of emails and phone calls I was able to arrange a couple of tryouts.  We had to help him be able to do his best for his goal.

One of the compelling things that inspired us from Winter indoor season was when a couple of other players (a pair of brothers that we have known for a while, and who have been through several soccer development programs over the past few years) came to play as subs for his indoor team.  You could easily tell that their skill level was beyond anything we had on our team but you could also see several of our players pick up on the way they were playing (positioning and hussle) and that was encouraging.  That was one of the instances that pushed us to find a way for him to experience that on a regular basis- to be around other players that might be better and to learn from that.

So, with all that driving us, perhaps you can understand our happiness with him making this new team.  He is thrilled.  He knows a couple of the players on his new team- they are all excited to play together.  He likes the coaches and the drills they did during his first practice.  It is a wonderful situation.  Perhaps that only one more thrilled is my wife, who was manager of his previous team.  She will get to watch him play and not have to worry about the elements and duties to help run the team.

Most of all, we are proud of his achievement.  We are proud of how he succeeded with performing well for the tryouts and made the team.  He did it, no one helped him.  But we can all join in on the joy and pride of his accomplishment.

This past weekend our family participated in Pedal Power, an event held by Energy Cycle to promote the organization’s message for energy conservation awareness.  It is the second year in a row that a majority of the family has participated in pedaling to generate energy.  The setup includes bicycle trainers outfitted with generators with the generator plugged into a central circuit board that converts the energy to charge batteries that then power electrical items at the event (most importantly the waffle irons).

Aside from the awareness that it takes a lot of energy (sweat energy in this case) to cook a waffle, there is also a competition involved.  As the power passes through the circuit board, it is registered and presented by a software program that lists the wattage being generated by bike and ranks the riders based on that wattage (also taking other factors like the riders weight into account).  This competitive piece is what brings out the 20 teams of two to compete!

I also helped a couple of weeks ago to test the equipment.  During that time I learned a little about the engineering of the setup.  With a couple of other testers armed with wattage meters on their bikes, we found that the watts being measured through the software were about half of what their personal wattage meters were registering.  This was explained by the fact that some of the power is lost along the wire.  This fact popped into my head when I noticed a couple of the trainers closer to the circuit board, thus with a shorter wire, seemed to be producing more wattage.

With my love for analogies, the next thing that popped into my head was how this concept relates to parenting.  The shorter the distance, the more powerful the connection.  That makes sense.  The closer we are to our kids, the more powerful the connection we have with them.

Now all out relationships need a wire, need some distance, we can’t pedal our trainer on the circuit board.  But the shorter the wire, the less the loss of power across the wire and the more power actually makes it through.  We all have busy lives, have things we want to do, we need to get done, jobs, chores, etc.  But, if in spite of all that we still fight to keep that closeness, that involvement, it will pay off with increased power.  It will create a more powerful relationship.

Just like in Pedal Power, the energy isn’t generated without work.  Luckily we only pedaled for 30 minutes sessions.  But that sweat made the numbers move on the projected wattage, it made a difference and the work involved in being close and connected to your kids will pay off too, you will see the difference.  Obviously this work takes a lifetime, not just 30 minutes, but the rewards are also better than a waffle (even though the waffles really hit the spot).

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Two sisters came out to the bus stop this morning, one wearing her cheetah patterned winter coat. My youngest commented “good thing you weren’t with us at Animal Kingdom, they would have arrested you”. Her sister perked up on the word arrested and went through a list of questions about who got arrested, why were they arrested, did the cheetah get arrested?

It took me a few minutes to relay to her the full message and I realized that the single comment my youngest made was not enough for a normal person to understand, but I could understand him (and do my best to explain it to her). Not sure she got it, not sure he cared.

Later I realized how that understanding is something we have special with our kids. Even when they were little, mainly because we were around them all the time, we were able to figure out what type of cry that was, what type of noise they were making, what they were saying as they were trying to communicate. It is a wonderful bond.

So for Valentine’s Day, don’t forget to celebrate that special bond with the kids. As we focus on flowers and chocolates, don’t neglect that special bond you have developed with the other members of the family. And you don’t even need to get them roses!

It’s just a game. Sure, I’ve said it many times. When the boys get frustrated while playing the Wii. My oldest is notorious for showing his emotion when something goes wrong in a game. He gets frustrated and makes it know. It’s just a game.

Investing isn’t a game. As you mature, our investment strategy gets more conservative. You can’t afford the risks. Your time to reset is shorter, the rebound harder, the pressure greater. It too mimics life in a way. Typically as you get older your approach to many aspects of life become less risky. Not to mention your ability to physically recover from taking up a new activity. Perhaps we learn? Perhaps we just wear out?

A couple of weeks ago my oldest son and I setup a Minecraft server. It is limited to just us (our household) and gives us the opportunity to play the game together. For those who don’t know what Minecraft is, it is a simple game with very basic graphics (relative to most games these days) where you gather materials, build structures, mine underground and fight monsters (there are more complex aspects to the game but if you want to dig deeper, just google it). It is also very addictive. I tend to stay away from games for that very reason, I get too into them, and next things I know I’ve lost hours of my life.

So back to our server. With the Minecraft server setup one of the biggest thrills for my oldest is to play together. We build structures, we collect gold and coal and diamonds. And even my youngest gets into it (between playing more competitive Minecraft events like the Hunger Games worlds- again, google if you are interested). It is a lot of fun working together and the game seems to provide some learning amidst the entertainment.

One thing I realized during the game play was that my son is much more adventurous in the game than I am. He goes out and tries to find monsters while I am happy building another level of the house, digging for new items in the mine and staying safe while doing it all. My son was getting frustrated because he kept falling into lava and running into monsters while looking for diamonds (a rare and valuable gem even in the game). His frustration was amplified by the loss of items he was carrying with him when he died (when they fall into the lava there is little chance you can recover them even when you re-spawn in the game).

His risky approach to the game made me think and we talked about it. I shared the old saying “haste makes waste” but he didn’t get it (give it a year or two to sink in). So we discussed it and then my own voice rang out in my head – “It’s only a game”. I was so focused on maintaining my possessions in the game, on protecting my investment in time, that I was playing it very safe. My son was happier roaming around, looking for adventure (while using the safety of my structures when the going got rough) and taking risks. That was his way to play the game (yet very different than his normal personality).

So, in some ways the way we play a game can emulate the way we typically go through the stages of life. We can afford to be risky and bold when young but tend to be more conservative and safe as we get older. As we gain possessions, invest in building things that are our own, we get more careful. Free spirits (such as kids) can be free in many ways and that freedom runs through various aspects of their life. If they have little to lose, they live more freely.

Now the challenge for me is to play less safely. To push the edge of my comfort. Perhaps this will convey over into my real life (I know, using a game to expand your real life sounds a little disturbing- I get it). Likewise I can share with my sons the lesson of being just a little safer- not to stifle their free spirit but at least to be cautious, consider risks, assess their situation. Perhaps we can both learn from Minecraft.

A resolution worth sharing. My youngest has vowed to try new things this year. So far he has tried new foods, is willing to try some new rides during our annual pilgrimage to Disney and seems willing to try new things in many different areas.

I find the new year a great time for reflection and resetting goals (there always seem to be goals that I missed the previous year). This past year I achieved my goal of running a marathon. This year I strive to do another (to prove it wasn’t a fluke) but then it may be time to pursue something new. I still need to figure out what that is (perhaps something academic this year- the physical stuff the past two years has made me tired). So perhaps I will join my boys and try something new, whatever that leads to.

Happy New Year to all and here’s to hoping you achieve your goals (new or old).

The old adage “It’s a marathon, not a sprint” has special meaning now that I have completed a marathon.  A sprint is a short burst to do your absolute best for a sustainable duration.  A marathon takes pacing, planning and stamina.  It is a challenge that you almost have to lose yourself in rather than just focus on a finish line that you can see.  It involves a little faith, a little fear, and more than a little crazy.  Sound like parenting yet?

With the marathon, pacing is key.  Start off too fast and you will burn out.  Start off too slow and you leave too much on the table.  The same is true with parenting.  You have to pace yourself.  You have to be involved but not too involved.  Don’t burn out, don’t overdo it but don’t leave too much on the table.  Don’t regret not doing more.  Sure, it is a tough balance and one that you refine over time.  You don’t find your marathon pace without some long hard runs and more than a few failures.  Pacing takes practice.

Unless you are an elite runner (I am certainly not), you may not complete the marathon running the entire time.  You may have to take a few walk breaks.  I actually did my marathon using the Galloway method that involves scheduled, regular walk breaks (more on that in a future post).  It is okay to take a break now and then.  Similarly, with parenting, it is okay to take a break.  Have the kids stay with grandma or a friend.  Have a night or even a weekend out.  Recharge yourself, your relationship, your soul, with a walk break.  You will be a better parent for it.

As mentioned, practice and building up to the marathon distance are essential for success.  You must train to work up to the 26.2 miles.  I joined a local training team where we ran weekly, on a training schedule and worked up to longer runs.  It gave us a feel for what the marathon would be like.  With parenting there aren’t any real opportunities to practice – once you have the little ones they are your responsibilities.  But you can find ways to build up to being a better parent.  Read articles, watch others, follow the advice of veterans (not TV shows but people who have actually been there, like your parents).  Find ways to learn and build up and practice toward improvement.

Another important aspect of marathon training is the taper.  The taper represent the weeks before the actual event where you slow down, you reduce your distances in your training runs, to rejuvenate your body for the marathon.  It is an interesting, almost unnatural time where you feel like you should be running more, pushing harder, but by taking a break you are allowing your body to recover and be ready for the strain of the marathon.  By doing less you do more.  Do the same with parenting.  If you know a big demand is coming for your involvement or an event is on the horizon requiring your best patience or persistence, slow down, taper and prepare for that big event.  Pushing hard to prepare may not be the best practice, you may find yourself fatigued rather than fulfilled.

Remember that the marathon is the long haul.  You can have little setbacks along the way but the full race is long enough that you can compensate and overcome failures.  You may see other parents who seem to have a sprint mentality – always pushing and running around like there is no tomorrow.  Likely they will suffer some form of burnout if they try to maintain that pace.  While there may be some elite runners/parents out there that can maintain that pace for the entire time, pick you pace, find what is comfortable for you and remember, completing the race/successfully raising YOUR kids, is the ultimate goal.  You have it in you to be the best marathoners your kids could have – believe in yourself and live up to your goals.

Last weekend I completed my first marathon.  It was an amazing experience full of highs and lows, fun and pain, an experience that really taught me a lot.  More on the actual marathon in another post.  For this post, I want to talk about the time before the marathon, about the five months of training that led up to the marathon, and how that impacted our family.

It is not uncommon to ask yourself “Why am I doing this?” during a 20 mile training run with the humidity making you sweat like a faucet.  “Do I really want to continue?” can run through your mind at 5 o’clock in the morning where you can see steam rising from your arms because it is so cold.  There were many of those types of questions during the marathon training period which started in early June (thus running the course of the Summer) through early November.  I can’t say I found the perfect answer to them but the main theme that kept me going was devotion.

I had to remind myself that I was devoted to my goal.  I had shared my goal with my family so they too knew I was devoted to my goal.  If I stopped, I would let myself down as well as let them down and more importantly, be a bad example to the boys.  That was enough to drive me through the cold early morning runs and push through the humid Summer temps to keep going.  Even though it was a personal accomplishment that I was seeking, I wanted to also show my boys that if you put your mind to it, you can do most anything, even run a marathon.

But perhaps the toughest thought that I had to battle was one that came later in the training.  It was the thought that all of this time devoted to training, all of the hours put into running and spending Saturday mornings with the training team, that all of this time was taking me away from my family, from time I could be spending with the boys doing whatever (granted, Saturday mornings would probably not be filled with a lot of bonding activity, but you never know).  These thoughts of doubt and wondering if I was taking too much time away from our family were almost enough to make me quit.

Several things came to mind to counter these thoughts.  One, and the main one that kept me running on the days that were physically draining, as well as mentally taxing, is that this was a short period of my life.  Five months.  Not too bad, just five months of training.  And even with that, training wasn’t all the time.  I was able to do early mornings while the boys were still asleep and I didn’t miss too many events with the Saturday longer runs.  Add to that the support I got from the boys.  They understood when I told them I was heading out to run that I’d be back in an hour or two and we would still have time to devote to doing things together.  I needed to know they understood and supported my efforts.

So in the end the benefit seemed to outweigh the fear of being a devoid Dad.  The boys seemed thoroughly impressed with my accomplishment and I found myself even more focused on quality time with them for those times when I wasn’t training.  It certainly left us in a position to recognize and capitalize on that time together.  Even though the training didn’t limit our together time too much, it brought to light what those missed opportunities feel like.

I think overall the marathon experience is one that will help me and our family.  I have often encouraged parents to do what helps you- you have to make sure you are healthy (mentally and physically) to portray a healthy environment for your family – a little “Me time” to recharge is well worth it.   I have been a model for the boys, showing them that devotion and hard work is something that pays off in the end.  And if the outcome is that we learn to appreciate our time together even more, then there is a double benefit to all that work.  Even though they only give you one medal at the end of the race, the time with the boys is a reward that I can enjoy day after day.