As soon as they can maintain the neck strength to support their smiling heads, babies and parents enjoy the act of tossing the little ones up in the air and catching them. The babies run the range of emotions from the freedom of flying, the fear of falling and the reassurance of being caught. Not to mention the tickle in their tummy. Parents get a chance to express their feeling of responsibility (what goes up must come down, gently) and also a chance to experience developing the bonds that are crucial and enjoyable.

This opportunity for bonding doesn’t end when the babies become too big to toss into the air. My boys are both too heavy and too tall to throw around (it hurts my back to even think about it) but we still have chances to experience the ups and downs, and to catch them from time to time. Now, though, it is more of an emotional tickle that they feel but the catch has to be just as gentle.

Recently both our boys won their class spelling bees and were promoted to the school-wide competition. I tried to encourage them a bit and told them I would really like to see them facing off in the finals. It was of course a stretch, and they seemed to take it in stride rather than have it add any stress to the day. This morning, when they headed off to school, they were excited for the competition and ready to do their best.

I realized that the competition aspect had a chance to end well, or really bad.. If one of them cracked or performed exceptionally poorly it would require some gentle catching. I had built them up, encouraged them and dotted on them for doing so well at winning their class competitions, and now had to brace for the possible fall. But it wasn’t just building them up, it was genuine pride in their accomplishment and that type of emotion is hard for me to contain.

When my wife picked up the boys, I asked her to text me the spelling bee results. She reported that we had a bit of drama- my youngest had ended 5th for the school and 2nd for his grade. My oldest was eliminated in the 3rd round and was a little upset. I was sad for him knowing that he was disappointed but also proud that he cared enough to be disappointed. He had the competitive spirit (not sure where he gets that from, wink, wink) and was justly upset for not doing better.

He got over it quickly. His attention was turned (partly through the guidance of his mother) to other things including helping her with a bike repair and helping me advance our efforts in a video game. These little jobs seemed to help and by the time I got home he seemed fine and we all had a great time just hanging out together watching a movie. He had been caught, he was back to the safety of home and his parents and he seemed happy.

After some time passes (a day or two), we’ll talk about it a little bit. I’ll try to find out what happened and help provide some guidance for the next time. My youngest told me that the word he missed was because he didn’t hear it properly and that he should have asked for it to be used in a sentence- a trick that experience will teach and it sounds like he is already learning from it. And the same will likely be true for my oldest- we will find something from this to learn from and add to the lessons in life. For now, I am just happy to have him caught and to be able to see the smile on his face as he realizes the fall wasn’t so bad after all.

The DaddyCast Episode 211

A Podcast for Parenting from the Hip!

It has been a while and for some reason I decided to take what could be considered a controversial stance on a few topics.

The National Transportation Safety Board wants to block cell phones in cars (see the CNN Article)
- what is next, ban kids in cars because they cause a distraction?

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California mandates car seats for kids up to 8 years old (from the old requirement of 6 years old, see the ABC Coverage),
at least they consider height and not just weight in determining if the child fits properly in a normal car seat. Shouldn’t the parent be able to decide?

The Pocket IQ Test and my realization that I can fall into the self-esteem trap (almost). And our 2011 wrap up, a year full of physical activity goals (but unfortunately not a lot of podcasting).

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If you have followed the blog for a while you will recall the trials and tribulations of our (mine with the boys) Tae Kwon Do experience. The boys started and I made a bet that if they hung in there, I would join them. That was four and a half years ago. Finally, one of my goals has been met.

One December 10, 2011, I tested for my Black Belt. I passed the test for our local school and await the official decision by the international body that regulates Tae Kwon Do from Korea but expect that my local Master’s approval will hold. It is quite exciting and a feeling of great accomplishment.

That feeling is somewhat tarnished though since my sons are not with me. As I have described before, after three years of classes, they decided to drop it, even though they were within sight of gaining their Black Belts as well. It was an odd time when I gave into their want to stop going to class, mainly because they were making it a difficult time for all of us, yet found it uninspiring to go without them, which eventually overcame.

What kept me going when I lost that inspiration was the drive to finish what I started. I could not criticize them (now or at any time in their life) for quitting or wanting to quit anything if they had this glaring example of me walking away from my challenge. I had to complete my training and attain my goal.

The payoff has been that they seem to get it, they seem genuinely impressed with my achievement and there has even been talk of them returning to complete their training, although i will need to see some level of commitment from them before I make that financial obligation again. But I do feel accomplished in the fact that I have set a good example for them and that is seems to be taking hold.

It is always good to see those situations where we seemingly achieve something in the parenting realm. As much as we try to teach and lead and correct, sometimes it is questionable if we are getting through and if we are making an impact. But in those times when we can see the impact on our children’s lives, it is rewarding beyond words. More than my personal pride in obtaining my Black Belt, I am thankful that I seem to have inspired my sons and that wil payoff dividends in their lives which is the true reward.

Today was the last day of school for the boys before the Christmas break. They each were looking forward to the day as they were having their Christmas parties and probably looking at a pretty easy day. My youngest’s class was having gift exchange so he was extra excited about taking in a gift and participating in the exchange.

When I picked the boys up after school I asked them how their day went and they both said it was fine. They said they had fun at their parties. I asked my youngest how the gift exchange went. He said it was fine and told me that they each got a gift but then could trade or “steal” another person’s gift (like a white elephant exchange).

I asked him what he got and he said after it was all done he got a Clue game, but he donated it to the toys for the less fortunate. He said since he already had a similar game (he has a Clue board game, this was a Clue card game) that he hoped some kids at the hospital could play with it instead. I was amazed and almost in tears.

How does a 9 year old get it? How when so many adults and kids alike are so focused on getting can he so freely give and think very little of it. He wasn’t bragging – had I not asked he probably wouldn’t have even told me. It came natural to him and he enjoyed it.

The boys often amaze me at things they notice, comments they make and things they do- all in a good way. They are good kids. They show care for those around them and genuinely want to help others. Today was just another episode of the caring and it really puts some perspective on the season. It is the time for giving and sharing- don’t let the shopping strip you of that theme.

Last Friday night my oldest (10 yrs old) and I were sitting in traffic.  There was an accident up ahead and that combined with the Friday night football traffic gave us time to talk on several different topics.  One of them had me laughing and realizing that yes indeed, times have changed.

We were sitting in our newest vehicle, the 2011 Chevy Camaro I purchased last November.  While discussing the various features of the car, my son asked what was different between the 2011 Camaro and my first car, a 1977 Camaro.  We talked about engines and exhaust, which is how the topic started, by looking at the exhaust on a car sitting in front of us,

We then started talking about other features.  I told him that the interior was very different and that my ‘77 didn’t have digital readouts, additional gauges, and power windows.  He commented on the fact that he would have missed the heated seats (he really likes the heated seats) and that he had never seen windows you had to crank.

It made me laugh and then realize that he was right, he probably had never seen a car without electric windows.  Past my nostalgic feeling, I realized that times change.  I recall hearing stories of kids asking what the cord coming out of grandma’s phone is?  As technology changes, so do our experiences and expectations.  It is a fact of life.

So what do we do?  We can tell the classic “Back in My Day” stories, with or without embellishments involving walking to school in the snow, up hill in both directions.  But more or less, we move on.  We share what is important and accept what is different and explain what was when it was.  Yes, there was a day when we didn’t have cable or movies on tapes (forget about DVDs) and so forth.  But don’t expect to get more than a nod of acceptance for these facts from our kids.  There world is different and full or today, not yesterday.

So laugh and enjoy their perspective every now and then.  If you are digging through old stuff in the attic, take time to explain the old tech and perhaps it will make them further enjoy how they have it in modern times.  And if you are passing a junk yard, think about stopping and letting them crank a window or two.

Yesterday some friends and I rode in the Boys and Girls Clubs of Central Virginia Cycling Challenge. It was held in Crozet, VA, an area just outside of Charlottesville and near the Blue Ridge Mountains. We participated at the 55 mile distance (there were 25 and 75 options as well) and knew to expect a few hills. Expectations were met, if not exceeded.

At around the 40 mile mark, I was climbing a hill when a rider a couple of bikes ahead of me suddenly stopped. With the loss of momentum and some already worn out legs (cramping as well), I fell over in the road. I wasn’t hurt (other than the cramping in my quads) but unknowingly knocked my rear wheel slightly out of place. This caused the wheel to rub against the frame and not spin freely.

At one point during the next 15 miles I thought I heard something rubbing but thought it might just be my brakes and so I pumped them to try to fully release the pads. I struggled the rest of the way, thinking I had just drained myself on the climbs and feeling completely worn out on even relatively flat sections of the ride. I thought I had totally bonked and it wasn’t until we were finished that I realized that the frame rub was dragging me down- literally.

If only I had stopped to spin my wheel, to check on the noise that I thought was a brake rub, the last section of the ride would have been much more enjoyable. If I had only stopped for a minute to check it out, to verify that everything was okay, it would have made the entire day much better. Instead, by ignoring it and pushing on, I pushed myself beyond the point of enjoying the ride and into a mindset of dread and discomfort (perhaps a little too dramatic but I was in a bad mental place for those last 10-15 miles).

Thinking back on this today I realized that this is something we sometimes do in our lives. We have an incident, a crash or a fall, perhaps an argument with a spouse or family member or close friend. We get back up and after a while get back going, but something doesn’t feel right. Something is slowing us down. There is a rub.

What should we do when we sense a rub? Stop, check it out, and fix it if we can. If an argument or action taken has cause us to feel bad about a relationship or just a particular event, we should take the time to figure out what is wrong and fix it. Perhaps something was said that we didn’t like and it is causing the rub. Whether we said it or the other person, find out what can make that rub go away so that the relationship can spin freely again. Talk about it, express the issue, and find a way to make it go away.

Trying to ignore when something doesn’t feel right will only wear us down over time. It will drain our energy, put us in a bad mindset and leave us thinking of a person or relationship in a negative way, and unfairly so since all we may need to do is stop and examine what we can do to fix it.

This is especially true with our kids. Have you ever had an event that you later regretted with your kids? Perhaps you lost your temper or didn’t us a productive approach in dealing with them. It could be due to stress or various other things but at times, most of us have probably had a time when we felt bad after an event. Sure, we may have bounced back up and moved on but did we fix it? Or is the rub still there, and going to cause pain down the road for us or them? Kids seem to bounce back easily from most things but is there an emotional rub that needs to be fixed?

if you ever feel that way about your relationship with your kids, or spouse or other family, friends or even co-workers, take time to stop and verify. Make sure everything is okay and fix what you can. Sometimes it is as simple as letting someone know that you are aware it needs fixing, sometimes it may take some talking through. But whatever it takes, take the time to spin the wheel.

To see the fall, check out http://contour.com/stories/wouldnt-be-a-fall-ride-without-a-fall

For other videos of this ride (and other ones I have posted), go to the Contour Community page and search for “DaddyCast”

Many years ago I was introduced to the statement “If you can’t be professional, at least look professional.” It was made by my boss and became his slogan to explain why even though we were IT professionals, when working on site with clients, we needed to dress in business professional garb. Developers are assumed to want to work in sweat pants and bunny slippers (well, okay, perhaps just comfortable clothes), but our boss wanted us to look professional and with that, perhaps possess some extra polish over the typical expectations of an IT type.

There is something to be said for this approach. If you see someone in a suit, you assume a certain level of power and success. Sometimes it is not just the clothes but their watch, their car or other indicators we use to identify or stereotype a person’s stature and abilities. Some may refute using these visual clues to size up a person, perhaps even call it shallow or petty, but if we are truthful, at least for the masses, we know that visuals are used to make first impressions.

Use this mindset to consider my youngest son’s new soccer team. This year he has joined a travel team that is part of an up and coming league. His old team, a group of kids who had been playing together for the past two or three years, went off in various directions with a couple heading to other travel teams and their coach deciding not to lead them this season based on several legitimate reasons (schedule conflicts, etc.). So we sought a new home for him and were led to the new league by his old coach.

We are still getting a feel for the new team and the staff in the new organization. Communication has been somewhat inconsistent but good enough. Schedules have been hampered by weather but they have done the best they could. And as the season was set to begin, more rain caused the first game to be postponed due to poor field conditions.

But the most impressive thing we have seen so far is the focus on professionalism. Sure, practice has involved skills and conditioning, but it has also included the aspects of the game that are often taken for granted. Simple things that many of us may not remember having to be told like how to line up for warm ups, how to huddle around and take a knee, and how to look like a team by running in a line and lining up straight for drills. Basics.

There is also an emphasis on looking good. The team has been issued practice jerseys and game jerseys with directions that their game jerseys are only to be warn during the game, not to the game, not home from the game, during the game. They have also been issued team bags for all their stuff. And warm ups – my son is actually looking forward to cooler weather due to the warm ups. They look sharp, they feel sharp and they may even play sharp.

That is the idea. Make them look good and feel good and hopefully they will put it all together and play well (sorry, just couldn’t massacre the grammar for the rhythm). Look professional, be professional. Just like many things in life, having the right tools to do the job makes it easier. It invokes confidence and hopefully that will show in their game play.

Will the “total package” bring out the “Total Package”? Perhaps- time will tell. It should at least gain them respect from their opponents. I recall in high school basketball that we had a pretty impressive warm-up routine that would set a tone with our opponents early. We also had a pretty impressive team that year that could pull it off and back it up. I am hoping for some of the same for my son’s team although it is still too early to tell how it will go.

For now we will go with the look, the excitement and learning the aspects outside of the game, as well as improving skills with multiple practices a week. We will be fully committed without over doing it (a topic for another post) but at least show our support in an unwavering way. We will treat him and his team with respect, especially since they appear to deserve that level of consideration. And we will share in his pride as he looks the part of a pro soccer player!

Since our dog passed away a few years ago, the boys have periodically asked for a pet.  My wife and I have avoided the request as much as possible, knowing that we would both love to have another dog but don’t feel our schedules allow for a fair (and reliable) environment for a dog.  So, we have put the boys off and luckily they haven’t pressed too hard.

This Summer, as part of exploring their independence and the responsibility that comes with age, we caved a bit and agreed to start the pet cycle with fish.  We used the standard “if you can keep a fish alive, then we can move on to something better” parenting approach (at least I recall that from my mother – with her knowing full well that the goldfish won at the Fall Fair would be lucky to last a week).  We came to terms with the boys, scheduling our days of taking care of fish to begin once they returned from a week away at camp (read “Empty Tank Syndrome” for a little more on this).

We started with some Mollies, basic and easy fish, to get the tank started.  My goal was to progress to puffer fish and some sharks.  When I got out of college, feeling a bit pet deprived from my childhood (aside from the annual fair goldfish), I started a tank and maintained a couple of puffers and sharks for a while (quite an accomplishment for a 22 year old living with other 22 year olds in an appartment that looked like, well, a few 22 year olds lived there).  So, still feeling that the mix of puffers and sharks provided some great entertainment, I wanted to get back to that point but we had to wait for the tank to be ready.

After a couple of weeks letting the mollies live in the tank, we were finally approved by the local fish store to get a puffer based on our water test and outlasting their repeated advise that the puffer would likely nibble on the other fish.  This later part made my youngest nervous.  He had grown attached to the mollies and balked at getting the puffer due to the possible nibble risk.  After some convincing though (over the course of a couple of days) he got on board with the puffer, probably after seeing the anxiousness in my oldest and myself after such a long wait to prep the tank.

Once we got the puffer in the tank we realized that the other fish were not in any danger, quite the contrary.  The mollies seemed to push the puffer around as he tried to get used to the tank and left him hiding in a corner for most of the first day.  Eventually he got a little better about avoiding them, explored the rest of the tank and moved about pretty normally.  He was not a fan of the fish flakes but the fish store had warned of this so we fed him krill, which really peaked his appetite.  The only problem is that I had no idea how much krill to put in the tank and ultimately ended up overfeeding the fish (the others like the krill too), producing water quality issues that ultimately led to the puffer (whom we named Stanley) getting sick.  Once we realized he was not doing well I did an emergency water change but it was too late, Stanley didn’t make it.

The boys were saddened, not terribly but enough that you could see they were upset.  I too was a bit bummed that Stanley had met his demise at our hands (and felt a bit inadequate knowing that we had seen him at the pet store for weeks perfectly happy in their tank, only to bring him to ours and eventually killing him).  But I did realize in talking to the boys that this had been a valuable learning experience, in a very short time.

First, they learned about working and waiting- the investment we all put into getting the tank ready for Stanley.  We had worked hard to setup the tank, take our water samples in for testing and waiting until we were ready.  They also learned of the financial investment as they knew we had to pay for the fish (even though Stanley wasn’t too expensive, overall we have a decent financial investment in the pet fish project).  They have been learning (and will continue to) about responsibility, being the primary ones in charge of feeding the fish and eventually for cleaning and carrying for the tank.

They also learned a little about loss, again, not too terribly shaken but a step that will help them deal better with larger losses and traumatic events.  The loss of a pet takes its toll the longer we have to bond and connect with that pet.  Since Stanley was only with us a week (yes, it only took that long to fail the poor guy and poison him via the poor water quality of the tank), they didn’t develop a strong bond but as we move onto other fish, that bond building will happen and prepare them more for a loss such as a dog or the unfortunate event of losing a human friend or family member.

So, even though the loss of Stanley is tragic, to some small degree relative to the world’s problems, it is probably the best lesson I could hope to teach the boys for less than $10.  I think there is value in having pets around, both in how you can learn from experiences (and hopefully not all of them ending this way) but also in companionship and as mentioned, responsibility.  So we press on with the remaining mollies (who seem fairly resilient thus far) and with further lessons, and perhaps future fish tales.

During the last week of camp, the boys mentioned a slight problem. It seemed there was an older kid, a sixth grader, who was being a bit aggressive. My oldest mentioned on more than one day the boy had hit him in the head or acted like he was going to hit him or other semi-violent moves toward him. It didn’t seem like he was actually hurting him but there was a little fear in the way he described this other kid.

After hearing about this aggressive behavior, I questioned the boys each day to see if this kid was messing with them. On the eve of the final day of camp, my oldest said that the boy told him “I going to kill you tomorrow”. I wasn’t sure this was genuine, at least not in the physical abuse sense, and even my son said that perhaps the other kid was speaking in terms of their robotic tank war, but none the less, it sparked some conversation.

I was an only child. Even though I haven’t had a brother around, I have had a lot of very close friends for whom I would to war. Not to mention an army of fraternity brothers who are bound to me and I to them. So I felt that I have some perspective to use for the advice I gave the boys.

First, I told them both that if someone is picking on them they have my permission to defend themselves. Hopefully three years of Tae Kwon Do can come in hand a little bit, if all it does is scare someone off because it looks like they have gone crazy. They said they understood this, and confirmed that this was only in reaction to someone being aggressive, not to be the aggressor. They also confirmed their understanding that they had Master Cho’s approval (our Tae Kwon Do Master) to defend themselves.

And then I told them to always remember they are brothers and that they need to help one another and stand up for one another. I went a step farther and told them that if someone messes with one of them, let them know they are messing with both of them. They come as a package. They are a pair and that partnership should last for their entire lives. They said they understood and even seemed to relish this thought.

I am not sure you have to tell brothers to be brothers but again, from my point of view, it can’t hurt. I want them to know to look out for one another and utilize that ultimate blood bond. That past all the picking and annoying each other, that above it all, they are family and they need to be the ultimate support for one another. And just in case that doesn’t come naturally (because some times is really looks like they are at each other’s throats), I fell into the advice to “Be Brothers”.

A couple of weeks Central Virginia experienced an earthquake.  5.9 – not sure how that rates but it sounds big – closer to 10 than 0.  The media played it up, saying Californians are saying “welcome to the club” and other various challenges to the East Coast.  I imagine that is just the media but if some West Coasters feel that way, fine.  Come have a hurricane or two on us.

The epicenter of the quake was about 40 miles from home.  I was in St Louis on business and missed the whole thing.  Based on calls home, everyone was safe and everything was fine.  Based on the news, Washington DC and New York were the focal points, not Central VA.  After knowing my family and our house were safe, I felt better about being away but still wish I had been home to experience the quake as well as support those around me.

Once I had a chance to talk to the boys about it (they were asleep when I got home, although my youngest, while walking him to his bed, said “Hello Daddy.  How was St Louis?”), they noted that yes, they were aware of the earthquake.  They said at camp, the adults were all in the hallway “freaking out” but the kids were calm and curious as to what was going on.  Their description of the situation paints a pretty realistic picture – one where the more knowledgeable adults had concerns that the innocence of children failed to realize.

It made me think how nice it is to be unaware sometimes, to not know what to worry about and therefore, to not worry.  Recently I heard the song “Everybody’s Free (to wear Sunscreen)” for the first time in a long time- you remember, the commencement address with various thought provoking tidbits.  Part of that states that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.  I guess if you think better chewing, that might work, but I get the idea.  And appreciate it.

How much time do we spend worrying?  How much effort do we spend avoiding something due to worry?  What are the outcomes of this worry?  Do we deprive our kids of any experiences because of the worry?

I would probably have to answer yes to the last one.  Looking over our approach to parenting, we probably lean toward the over protective.  We are the worried adults in the hallway.  We are the parents who deny our kids free reign of the neighborhood on their bikes and feet to go and do as they please.  Is that wrong?  And when do we switch?  When do we allow more freedom?

This is a question that has been running through my head lately.  Is it time, now that my oldest is almost 11, to ease up the protection a bit?  Is it time to allow him to experience more freedom?  Granted, this Summer has been a time to explore freedom.  With the Summer of Camps, the boys have branched out to new places, done new things, met new friends and even spent a week away from home (and away from the TV and video games, which probably ranked higher than missing Mom and Dad).  It has been a very liberating 3 months for them.  And it is time to continue that?

I think finding gauging that from their reactions is where we will land.  Seeing how they respond based on the freedoms they have been afforded this Summer.  If they quesiton our protective nature, if they feel deprived in any way, they will speak up (quiet it not something we worry about in the Love House).  They will let us know if they are ready to spread their wings in some area of their life where we are being too limiting.  And then we will assess our approach, determine if it is time to let go a little and let them explore more of the world around them.  We as parents typically want to keep them as kids as long as we can (I don’t want to even think about the challenges that lay before us as they become teenagers) but we know we can’t do that forever.  And I have a feeling we are nearing a turning point, whether we are ready for it or not.